Host: From Oklahoma City… Shelby Rowe heads one of the nation’s largest suicide prevention centers. She’s had her own struggles … She became a mom at 18 … followed by three difficult marriages.

At StoryCorps, she told a friend how she found healing in her Chickasaw roots.

Shelby Rowe (SR) and Johnna James (JJ)

SR: I left Oklahoma for a cute man.

JJ: [Laughs]

SR: Most of my tragedies start with a cute boy. And honestly, I didn’t think I would ever go back home because when I would accomplish things, people that knew me growing up would be like, ‘Oh, Shelby, you know, you’re doing so well for a teen mom. And so I was like, I just want to do well, period.  

But when I got divorced from Mr. Charming, I spent a lot of time thinking, okay, who am I? Where do I come from?

Because I didn’t grow up in Indian country. I wasn’t raised in the traditions. And so I didn’t know if I really belonged. Would they be like, who is this person from the city coming and trying to fit in?

But I moved back close to Chickasaw Nation and as soon as I got there, I knew I was home.

And then I thought, okay, I don’t have anything connected with our culture, and I was really hungry for that. 

But, like, I’m not very good at dancing… I can’t paint, and I’d already given up on language. But then, I was walking around an arts festival, and I found a table with some beaded hat bands. And I was like, oh, that kind of looks like a spreadsheet. I’m good at spreadsheets. 

JJ: Yes, you are. [Laughs]

SR: I was like… I bet I could probably read a pattern. And so I bought a little, child-sized loom and I thought, I’m going to try this. And that was my thing.

You know, I do have PTSD and so sometimes I have a hard time telling the difference between things that happened 20 years ago, and things that happened this week.

But I realized pretty quickly with beading, all I’m doing is counting beads. 

JJ: Mmhmm.

SR: I can’t let my mind wander or I’ll mess up. And I’m sure it’s no surprise to our ancestors because they knew all of this before there was therapy.

It’s a source of grounding, a source of pride… Just knowing this is me, this is who I am… A part of the unconquered and unconquerable Chickasaws.